so...
this is wierd.

all long lost family please apply here.

she's my sister.
well my half sister.
she's 25. and married.
that freaks me out.
i have two neices.
and a sister...
well a half sister.
and she looked for me.
that's nice anyway.

but i emailed her back.
i told her a little about me.
and she read it.
it says she read it.
but she didn't reply.

maybe she's busy.
maybe she's freaking out too.
either way.
i hope she writes back soon.
i just want to keep hearing from her.

this is #@!?&^* wierd.
my head is spinning.

you are my sundown

i'd like to be a little further west of here.
and a few thousand feet in the air.
let it enfold you.
the depth of this sundown.

i don't like what this is.
it's insane.
i hate the way my brain processes relationships.
this one is a bad idea.
we did try it once. it's a bad idea again.
i think i want it. but then i actually see him. it's like. umm no. bad idea.
and yet he's fascinating.
mhmm,

oh no.

i've always known
that actions speak louder than words.
but what do you do when words build walls
that actions can't penetrate.

this isn't how our "us" was meant to be.
when words say false hopes that emotions are gone
and actions say you want this to work
it hurts.

we used to have such great potential
and i still feel that pull
this gravity has been suffocating
every time i think i'm beyond you
the barrier falls
and your pull brings me back.

i hate the look in your eyes
when your words are a contradiction.

who am i? i don't even know.

i started thinking.

even if he isn't the perfect choice now.

who's to say anything about highschool matters in the future of my life at all.

i bet if i wanted to live in a hut on the side of a dirt road on an island off the Cote D'Ivore. he'd go with me.

he seems sincere.
but.
what i'd really like. is to put him on hold until after higschool. i just don't like the highschool drama thing.

and i don't know how much i can trust him.

i guess i have to try it to know. and stop wondering.

sandy feet.
sunglasses too big for any face.
loose dress.
and the clouds.
oh the clouds.
they pull me in.
into the depth of their beauty.
i am captivated
by their chemical composition.

just ask yourself

slipping through.
sinking in.
i drift into this current.
air flow patterns into waves through the sky
and i float like hands become airplanes in the wind.

the jetstream pulls me along.
and over fields i wander.
the beauty of the landscape nearly erases the memory of his face.

and these letters and symbols
are merely inadequate words
attempting to express the depth of thoughts in my mind.
this language fulfilled through chemicals and signals
could never be interpreted correctly.

it's a long way down when your hopes are high as mountains.

so i feel like they are spinning.
spinning.
my thoughts are spinning.
perhaps spiraling..?
..no. spinning...
it's kind of a back and forth motion. that becomes circular.
(1)there's him. but he's an idiot.
(2)and there's him, but he called things off.
and now the him 1. is single and the residue of ancient memories of feelings i might have once had toward him is making it's self know.
and the him 2. has a girl. and i don't know.
i want to be happy for him.
but i liked him better distrought and awkward.
no more of this happy shit.

sorry. both of the him's should really be more depressed.
mhmm.

oh well.
and then there's you.
you seem to have potential.
but your eyes say you have baggage.
i guess that's alright.
as long as there's not so much i have to help you carry it.
sorry.
i only carry my own crap.
but you seem sweet. i wish i knew your name though.
i've talked to you quite a few times now.
but have i asked your name?
nope.

LAME>

GRAAHHHHHHH.


that is all.

listening to:
modest mouse.
{ missed the boat}.
from the cd we were dead befpre the ship even sank.


thinking:
-i feel terribly anti-social today.
-and i've realized there are a lot of people that simply get on my nerves.
-there are quite a few people that i simply don't like.
for no particular reason. i just don't like them.
-i like modest mouse right now. that's something new.


wanting:
a family reunion.
without my mom complaining about the drive.
i want to se my uncle todd.
and my cousins. davis and mia.
and aunt tamera.
and uncle artie.

tired of:
drama.
i don't like where this is heading.
they have both gotten comfotable with me defending them.
but really, i have to agree with one more than the other.

count down to forever

it had been a while
and there were somethings that needed to be said
so they walked.

a bright blue sky overhead left room for thoughts to escape unspoken.
laying in the sun made way for awkward silences.
hours spent breaking down walls.
finally saying things that have waited so long
nothing will be the same after the moment hearts connect.
and all was calm.
then all at once the sun exploded.

just in case

if you haven't noticed-
i haven't written in quite awhile.
i feel like i need something.
or someone.
well.
no.
not someone.
but something.

this is going to sound selfish but i need an insperation.
something to write about.
i can't just write about the squirrels in my yard.
i need something with emotion.

just thought i'd put that out there.

well.
there is this guy.
and he's really quite a lovely person.
not in a physical sense.

not to say he's lacking in any physical loveliness.
that would be lying.
but he's truly something,
more someone i've rarely met.

there is only one other person i can think of as of late
who possesses similar qualities.
and well.
the thing is.
he is the only person i can think of,
who has so quickly and so easily convinced me of his merits.
he is one to keep.

oh my.
i'm at a loss for words.
just when i feel i'm lacking faith in my these people.

i don't know why.
but i feel like i'm at the edge
and he just pulled me back to safety.

in a figurative sense.
of course.

and it was all yellow

eyes. with puffiness.
as they hold back sleep.
but i'd like to make you smile.
so i'll keep working.
*
*
*
she's a terror.
but she redeems herself.
don't let her offend you.
i promise she means well.

falling from such great heights,
it might take awhile to regain her strength.
she's a beauty. with tears in her eyes she laughs.
one of those over practiced saddened endings.

hmm....

so. nick is home this weekend. again.
shweet. oh my. umm./ nilli-likki night tonight. mhmm. watchout commerce township.
oh man oh man oh man.
this class is...dramatic...yeah. let's say dramatic.

a breakdown.
that's where i'm headed.
each song i hear
has it's own way of tearing me down.
to need you so,
someone i barely know.
i knew you once.
but that was long ago.
at least long enough to have no standing now.
please leave. and don't come back.
i'd hate to try this breakdown again.

hello.
we've not yet met.
i'd like to rush this process.
let's become acquaintances.
and perhaps. someday. much more.
i probably won't say this again soon.
but i'd like you to be here with me.

i just want you here.
the sooner the better.
i'm feeling quite fragile.
your support would be appreciated.

almost close enough

i miss you again.
and the tension is returning to my lungs.
i like it when you're almost tangible.

when i can hear you.
but i can't just reach out.
when you say my name, but push no further.
you seem so nearly convinced.

lyricsss

Choose the One Who Loves You More{Copeland}
Rain, rain, rain on my mind
I've got a secret life
Wipe, wipe, wipe it away
Nothing can make me dry

Fight all the while
Fight 'til I think I'm free
Feel rains we never see
Beautiful secret lives

It can make you face all your fears
It can make you face all your fears

Oh, smile, smile in a day
Fear takes its place at night
Oh, oh, I'm pretty in the rain
I love your secret life

It can make you face all your fears
It can make you face all your fears.

I could leave you well enough alone
Believe and you'll be overcome and gone
By grace away
Better off than if I stayed

I could leave you well enough alone
Believe and you'll be overcome and gone
By grace away
Better off than if I stayed
I could leave you walk away
We'll save it for another day

Through all the wars I've come to know
It's punches pulled, not towels thrown in

When they come knocking on your heart's door
Choose the one who loves you more
And when you've found something to die for
(Make you face all your fears)
They'll be knocking on your heart's door
(Make you face all your fears)

endless fight.

when i fell i never realized how far i'd gotten.
a raindrop in the lake.
and the waves keep returning to shore.

a new current and
you pull me under without trying.
imagine if effort were there.

each time i see you
is just another relapse
to an illness that never left.

oh no. there you are again.
i see you and everything seems a little lighter.
negativity seems just a little less heavy.

you're a problem that persists.
and you say she's something good,
and i hope she really is.
as long as you end up alright.
but this needs to change.
somehow.
or this will take quite long to be rid of you,
and these thoughts of potential.

Floating alone through a sea of endless space. A life-supporting sphere hurtles constantly in an eliptical, patterened way. This is all we have. There is no where we can escape to when we destroy the one safe place we know.

if only it was Saturday, things would be better in every way

well i hope everyone had a good weekend.

i had a lovely weekend.
nick was home from school for the weekend.
he and jen picked me up from work friday and we went bowling.
i like him. i think he's really neat. we talked about everything.
and guess what...
we're related. yeah. ask anyone.
and i can't believe we have so much in common
but haven't hung out more in the past.
then we hung out again saturday-
-nick, nichole, jen and i.
frisbee and mall.
yay.

there you are.
i love how you look with the sun in your eyes.
i know now we can't be.
it just won't work.
atleast for the time being.
and i have great hopes for you
to go off next year. and find happiness.

so that when i see you again
i'll know that i was right to stop trying.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them." (from The Little Prince)

"Over and done with. Thirty thousand letters come safely through. The airline company kept drilling it into you: the precious mail, more precious than life itself. Enough to keep thirty thousand lovers going... Lovers, be patient! In the sinking fire of sunset here we come. Behind Bernis the clouds are thick, churned by the whirlwind in its mountain bowl. Before him lies a land decked out in sunlight, the tender muslin of the meadows, the rich tweed of the woods, the ruffled veil of the sea." (from Night Flight)

let's tune out by turning on the radio

from the motion picture: what dreams may come

"sometimes when you win, you lose."

i know all too well what exactly that means. or atleast i feel as though i understand how that could apply to a time in my life about two years ago. this might sound pathetic to some of you but i'm okay with that. there was this guy. and i don't know what complelled me to turn him down, but i did. and somehow that felt like the right decision. i have this strange sense of a need for independence. to a point where i avoid realtionships, even push them away. sometimes i fight against them as if they might just kill me. and then i'm relieved for a while. until i realize he's not going to keep fighting back. and then i fall apart. that's how i felt. that i won, until i realized i had lost. perhaps that isn't the right interpretation of that quote so i'll try again.
*
my mom had two brothers. both of which i love more than i can say. more than they know.
-todd is wonderful. he has always been the best male figure in my life. he has always supported me in everything i do and in everything i hope to do. and there was leif.
-leif. oh leif. i love him. he has many qualities that i hope to embody. he had a love of music that was constantly evident. and a love of his family. and a kindness about him. he past away when i was six. he had aids.
and he had won. by losing. when he was getting very sick he chose to not stay in the hospital. he came home. he had hospice care nurses who came to take care of him. ultimately he did pass away of aids. but, he had that time to be at home. in his own bed. with his partner and family with him without the stressful surroundings of a hospital.

blahh. i feel like ranting and raving about the world.
and when i think of that i think of people with personality issues.
and then i think of people in this class that feel the need to actually make an effort to be a**holes. i am so sick of highschool and the stupid people. i really don't understand people that are consistantly immature. why can't you realize you won't be in highschool. you won't be allowed to blow off idiotic actions because your some punka** teen.

if we could all realize that we are all in this together.(even though no one acts like it.) and this really is the only shot you get. you won't always be allowed to try again. as unfortunate as it is, this does in fact all come to an end. stop screwing off and get your act together so this can be the best use of your one chance.


blah.

blehhh....i really don't like this at all....but the thoughts are there....check back after it becomes a tad more eloquent....thanks.


you should know i could be it.
the friend that you need
if you'd just let me.

no i don't want to be lovers.
i just want your smile,
and a few quiet sunsets
as we talk in the park.

if you showed up at my door
with the words "i need to talk"
i hope you know i wouldn't think twice.

let's go.
we'll go for a drive. or we can just walk.
i only ask for one thing.
that you'll trust me.

hands up, held fast
against this breaking world.
the weight of the world hasn't beaten us yet.

neat dictionary stuffff

nichole --[noun]:
a level headed person who always makes the wrong decision.

lily --[noun]:
A person of questionable sanity who starts their own cult

watch out.

grrr. i think i'm in need of sleep.
sometime away from the world.
as much as i love life i hate it.
why does it have to end.
and if it doesn't end, if there is some second or third or whatever life couldn't we know?
so people like me who over think everything have one less thing to think about.

sorry i know that sounds morbid.
that's not what i was going for.
i just got frustrated.
none of my friends are working out right now.
i feel like i'm so much more there for my friends than they are for me.

when i ask "whats wrong?" or "how are you?" i really mean it.
i don't have empty conversation. i say things to get somewhere.
if saying something seems pointless i just don't say it.

so the next time you look sad and i ask if you're okay please don't feel like you have to just say yea to make it easier. that doesn't make it easier for me. knowing you're upset but not knowing why of if i can help make's me feel sick.literally. now on the other hand. i try to be considerate as much as possible. couldn't you work on that. if we have plans to hang out, but someone else wants to hang out then just hang out with them. don't try to fit everything on one day. i don't want to feel like i'm being pushed back to second place or something. i really don't see the point of having a sleep over where you pick me up sometime after 10 and we sleep till around 11 and i should be home around 12. that just doesn't make sense. sleeping in the same room doesn't count as hanging out. we were supposed to have a fun day. oh well.


come on kids shape up.
get your acts together.

letdown of the week.

DEBBIE ONLY

Pig Disection Intro+conclusion

Through this dissection we hope to learn more about the process of disection and the subject of anatomy. We also hope to learn about the anatomy of this pig in order to aid in our learning throughout this course.

+
The dissection of the fetal pig helped us to learn about anatomy and to gain some idea of the true look and feel of the organs and organ systems of a living organism. Also with seeing the organs of a small mammal we are able to learn about the anatomy of humans.

politically correct word changes.

king-
non-childbearing monarch

youngest princess-
most recently born childbearing pre-monarch

dance-
rhythmical movement of one non-childbearing biped and one childbearing biped

tree-
plant having a permanently woody main stem or trunk, ordinarily growing to a considerable height, and usually developing branches at some distance from the ground

eldest princess-
first born childbearing pre-monarch

goose-
large winged farm-foul

clown-
amusingly confident non-childbearing veteran of war
[[the entertaining non-childbearing make-upped and costumed biped ]]

sleeping-draught
concoction to encourage the behavior of closing the eyes and rejuvenating the mind

soldier
non-childbearing veteran of war

old woman-
time enhanced childbearing biped

handsome prince-
aesthetically pleasing non-childbearing pre-monarch

word of the day

Urban Word of the Day
www.urbandictionary.com

March 01, 2007: Zoom Zoom Zoom
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Zoom+Zoom+Zoom&defid=1854519

In conversation it is an expression which follows a particularly good but lighthearted insult in order to emphasize the caliber of the remark. It is similar to the way that a person would use the word [burn]. Though the phrase itself was first made popular by the Mazda auto commercials, this particular usage was popularized in the popular television show "Scrubs", where it is often accompanied by a short "Zoom, Zoom, Zoom" dance.

Guy 1:Dude, you're pathetic because you've never really satisfied a woman!
Guy 2: Oh really? Well, you might want to check that with YOUR MOM! Ohhhh! Zoom Zoom Zoom !

http://school.discovery.com/schrockguide/pdf/authordate.pdf

Pantoum.

The sunlight danced upon the fence line.
He ran, but not away, he always comes back.
She smiled, for on summer mornings, everything is fine.
Their personalities clash because many differences they lack.

He ran, but not away, he always comes back.
She wants to be closer to him, now he’s just out of reach.
Their personalities clash because many differences they lack.
He has anger issues but social skill she’s willing to teach.

She wants to be closer to him, now he’s just out of reach.
Her love has begun to include him though.
He has anger issues but social skill she’s willing to teach.
She sleeps in the sun as it shines through his window.

Her love has begun to include him though.
He has a digital perspective on what he sees.
She sleeps in the sun as it shines through his window.
He hides himself behind that screen, so alone he will be.

He has a digital perspective on what he sees.
She smiled, for on summer mornings, everything is fine.
He hides himself behind that screen, so alone he will be.
The sunlight danced upon the fence line.

the scale of pausedness

well. mrs e invented a new word today. [pausedness] this word comes with its own scale of levels of pause from no pause to a full stop { . ! ? } yeah. this class is very entertaining.

friday we're having a dr. suess birthday party.

today emmett decided i'm his coleslaw. i don't know what to say to that but, whatever. he calls me coleslaw. i think that is strange.

chicken-scratch

if i ignore the fact that we're over forever
then i'm fine

but if i think of how great we could have been
i'm nowhere close to alright.

but for now i'm relieved.
i'm glad to know what you're thinking.
i like this sense of release.

moment

there is this pain in my head
and it's hurting quite deeply
and there is a tightness in my throat
that keeps me from breathing
and there is this thought of you
that haunts my sleeping.
but i'm alright.

hold on to me.

oh god. i can't stop shaking.
i don't know what to do any more.
it's killing me to know that is all that is keeping you from me.

i have this jealousy of the world
it knows you so muce better that i do.
should i be angry or happy.
you were willing to try until you thought it over.
i guess i'm relieved to know you thought about trying.
but now what should i do.
i want you to know that this could work.
it could be wonderful.
but now you don't even want to try.

this week will feel like forever.
both dreading and awaiting the day i will see you again.
i won't know how to carry myself
and i'd like to ask you not to look me in the eyes.

too young {phoenix}

Can't you hear me calling
Everybody's dancing
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

stopping "we's" and starting "i's"

well a week ago yesterday i asked him if he had thought about trying again with us.
he said-honestly i don't know.

that's fine i'm not broken up over that. actually i feel fine about it for now. the best my mind has been in a while.

but i wanted so much for him to ask "why, have you?"
i would have said yes.
but he didn't ask.

and now i want so much to tell him i want to try again.
blehh. maybe we'll see.

under construction

i've begun to doubt this all.
i lack the [solid] faith i used to hold.
is this real or is it finally fading.
maybe what my voice says is wrong.
i feel like i'm lost when you're dissapointed

???????????//blah it's wierd

under construction

your lips run the risk of breaking me down tonight,
if your voice says those words i've been dreading.

Sonnet (A-B-A-B-C-D-C-D-E-F-E-F-G-G)

Your Eyes

The world these days has come to a poor place.
This blur of people, moving faster still.
My thoughts near drown in the noise from this pace.
Makes me more reserved in speech, does my will.
Your eyes express the great weight that you bare.
Though silent, your pain is so very clear.
Our lack of conversation does not share
your burden, though I’d like to help my dear.
Your eyes I know have held back crying,
you hide your emotions from near most all.
Now this life is far too suffocating.
To remain so private, you’re bound to fall.
I sincerely hope that you don’t forget
that my offer remains here for you yet.

contemplations.

i feel like falling down.
and i wish someone was here to catch me.
just a few days back i predicted this fallout.
today was so lovely.
then it just fell apart.
there's a storm sweeping through.
too soon for me to enjoy the day's sun.
a wave of doubts on all accounts.


i would like to just collapse
and lay here a while
you could come and sit with me.
but please stay silent
i need to think
and just to know
that you're thinking of me
could relieve some pressure.

lyricssss

fractions {emery}

i wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and i keep losing this fight

i won't answer
dancing on the starlight glow
no one in the city knows
confidence can take you
nerves try to shake you
from going all the way
it's not that far

it's good to see you
i missed you last night
that's such a lovely color
it goes with your eyes
before we fall asleep
just wanted to say
this all seems so easy
there's choices to make

we watch the tide roll in
with cold air and coffee cakes
holding our words at lips
stopping the sounds they make
we know the way to go
we know each step to take to be here

these words with no replies
stopping we's and starting i's
this need is killing me and taking me over
i wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and i keep losing this fight

best?friends

i want to get out.
out of this house
out of the cold.

you mean so much to me
but you're so young
but it's not really the age
it's almost a lack of maturity.
yet, you have grown from more hardship than most.
why do you seem so insensitive sometimes.
perhaps i grow to easily attached to ideas.
but this has become a regular problem.

update.

i haven't posted in awhile. i was kind of thrown off by those cold-days.
so my personality, has felt strange for a couple days now.
i feel really comfortable. with everything.
with him, with school. just yeah.
i'm stunned at how i feel about him.
it feels like something good is going to happen,
but at the same time if it doesn't i don't mind terribly. i know i'll be fine either way.

except for last night nic and i were on the phone and somehow religion and life and big-deep-scarey kind of conversation stuff. and i got really cynical and morbid and anti-religion and i felt really confused and disconnected from the world. i don't really know how to explain it.
i hate not knowing and having faith isn't really something that suits my personality.

faith-feyth- Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence

on a happier note,
one week from today i will be in New York City
with some of my closest friends from choir.
i am uber excited. expect a boat load of photos when i get back
and when i say a boat load i mean like a freighter.

also. my favorite girl's birthday is coming up after break and we're going to a concert on her birthday. i am so excited. it's her favorite band of all time and requires an almost roadtrip because it's in ohio. GAHHHH
breathe. calm down. holy shit i am so excited.
and why do people say holy shit??? there is nothing holy or sacred about feces.

whatever.

backseat goodbye

My dear I'm thinking you should give up this disaster
Draw lines that cross out perfect pairs
Sing songs that echo throught the stairs
I'm not one to say you're wearing thin
But love you're caveing, caveing in
Trap hearts in shallow sheltered sinks

lyrical notations

i love when you find a song that describes how you feel so perfectly

you've got two left feet
and a way with words
you're in love with the "spottless mind"
but the ending's no good

you've got an eye for luck
along with black and white photographs
not too fond of windy nights
but you could spend all day
laying in the grass
staring up toward the sky
hoping to skip with the sunset

you're such a sucker for a sad song
"summers always too long"
sitting in a swingset
trying just to sing along
with the song you've had stuck in your head
since this morning

holy jeebers. can't you just go away.

that's okay i don't really want you to go away.
i don't want you anywhere but here to be quite honest.

ncole has a sunburn in february. and i'm going to church soon to play with waldo.

blehh. maybe.

look in my eyes
see that i haven't been lying.
every time i attempt to see you,
it's not just some ploy
-some great scheme to hurt you again.

i'll spill my thoughts just one one more time.
to be quite honest it will mostly be to say i tried.
i can feel you leaving. (and i don't mean that in a morbid sorrow filled sense)
i've never felt quite so accepting of who we are.
i could force my tears and say how terrible my mental state is
but that would be far too extravagant.

in some strange, worn-out way
i'm glad to say i don't miss you.
memories are usually beautiful,
but not when they're filled with regrets.
i see you all the time. and you've been so pleasant recently
i see no use in bringing bitterness to us now.

i just said us.
that would be a nice thing to say and have it mean us.
i have imagined a future with you.
and dont you dare tell me i'm too young and don't know what i'm saying.
i know all too well what those words can mean.
though i'm content with this,
if you were to pursuade me to try again i'd have a hard time finding reason enough not to.
i've never wanted so little and yet so much from you at once.

ask me how i am.

well. due to a lack of effort on waldo's part, i've decided to stop. more appropriate wording would be that any attempts to interact in any way, other than as friends, with guys has been put on hiatus.
actually, there is one thing that is a condition to this statement. that, would be the fact that it does not come into effect until sunday. possibly earlier. following sunday i will most likely not see waldo for two, perhaps three weeks. thus the basis of the appeal of this plan.

in place of boys, i will be crocheting a shirt. i have great plans for this shirt. it shall be my new favorite shirt.

nonsense

i just realized my hands are shaking. i'm so terrified.
if i say what i'm thinking. i just might win you over.
i often think of how wonderful you are. and how much you laid on the line for me.
i'm not sure those words ever sank in.
until yesterday.
you are the scariest most perfect thing i've ever known.
i want you so much to just be there. but to not in the same instance.
they told me they've talked of us. and our potential.
you could be the missing link in everything i do.
i've never felt so completely taken aback before.
this makes me feel so terribly breakable.

vintage glass

beware my dear. for my love is toxic. hidden and fearful, but ever so strong.
but you're love is burning. it pulls at the strings of my puppet like state.
though i often long to hold you near. i barely resist hating you for the anxiety you have caused.
you have held me under. and i fear i may never breathe again.

getaway

i don't quite fit your expectations.
someday i'll leave this all behind for something better.
this way of life is far too suffocating for me and my big dreams.

ineloquence and anger are all we have.

how can you say i don't love you?
i am standing here aren't i?
-snow patrol

well the week is finally drawing to an end. but this weekend could be too much to process. i really don't think i'll have enough rest to get me through the next week. that is, however, all assuming thati do in fact have my coffee/talk meeting/date thing with waldo. if not then in monday, while i should be thouroughly rested my mind will be far to frustrated to think well. either way i don't see monday going well. blehh.
*
*
*
share with me the blankets you're wrapped in, cause it's cold outside.
share with me the secrets that you've kept in cause it's cold inside.
tell me what makes you think you're invincible.

{maria mena} sorry

so this song is one of those songs
that makes you almost cry.
that reminds you.

{Maria Mena} Sorry

Vage sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

some old-ish oness

over
the tape's run out on this bitter charade.
no need to pretend, i know what we've become.
rash conversations and decieving smiles.
i'll take what's left of my pride.
gather your stubborn arguments and go.
i'll remember our moonlight dance
and not forget you weak hellos and glad goodbyes.
*
*
*
crash
why won't you
come crash with me,
just let this end naturally.
i can't go on this way
so i'll spill my heart,
and then i'll leave.

just breathe

i have these words
just neatly set aside
waiting to be spoken
but you won't give me a chance to speak.
and i have this ache
it's that flutter in my chest
that makes breathing strange.
i know you don't mean harm
but that's already forgotten.
i just need to correct what i've done wrong.

so go ahead and hurt me,
if you'll feel better in the end.
as long as my breathing returns to normal,
and these words are let to do their healing.

limited.

don't you see: you're limited.
everything you do is so full of good intentions.
i think you'd hold me back.
but, if you we're willing i could help to pull you along.
can't you see: i'm just wainting.
waiting till i'm old enough to get away.
away from everything that's holding me down.
this way of life is far too suffocating.
i'd like to help you live.
you're just so limited

{let's analyze} analysis is under construction

To Thyrza: And Thou Art Dead
by Lord George Gordon Byron

And thou art dead, as young and fair
As aught of mortal birth;
And form so soft and charm so rare
Too soon returned to Earth!
Though Earth received them in her bed,
And o'er the spot the crowd may tread
In carelessness or mirth,
There is an eye which could not brook
A moment on that grave to look.

I will not ask where thou liest low,
Nor gaze upon the spot;
There flowers or weeds at will may grow,
So I behold them not:
It is enough for me to prove
That what I loved, and long must love,
Like common earth can rot;
To me there needs no stone to tell
'Tis Nothing that I loved so well.

Yet did I love thee to the last
As fervently as thou,
Who didst not change through all the past,
And canst not alter now.
The love where Death has set his seal
Nor age can chill, nor rival steal,
Nor falsehood disavow:
And, what were worse, thou canst not see
Or wrong or change or fault in me.

The better days of life were ours;
The worst can be but mine:
The sun that cheers, the storm that lours,
Shall never more be thine.
The silence of that dreamless sleep
I envy now too much to weep;
Nor need I to repine
That all those charms have passed away
I might have watched through long decay.

The flower in ripened bloom unmatched
Must fall the earliest prey;
Though by no hand untimely snatched,
The leaves must drop away:
And yet it were a greater grief
To watct it withering, leaf by leaf,
Than see it plucked today;
Since earthly eye but ill can bear
To trace the change to foul from fair.

I know not if I could have borne
To see thy beauties fade;
The night that followed such a morn
Had worn a deeper shade:
Thy day without a cloud hath past,
And thou wert lovely to the last -
Extinguished, not decayed,
As stars that shoot along the sky
Shine brightest as they fall from high.

As once I wept, if I could weep,
My tears might well be shed
To think I was not near to keep
One vigil o'er thy bed:
To gaze, how fondly! on thy face,
To fold thee in a faint embrace,
Uphold thy drooping head,
And show that love, however vain,
Nor thou nor I can feel again.
Yet how much less it were to gain,

Though thou hast left me free,
The loveliest things that still remain
Than thus remember thee!
The all of thine that cannot die
Through dark and dread
Eternity Returns again to me,
And more thy buried love endears
Than aught, except its living years.


----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------

i love this poem.
i came across it last year.
and fell in love when i read the lines
-"stars that shoot along the sky
Shine brightest as they fall from high"
then in reading the rest of the poem
it was so sweet and it seemed as though
he were truly in love when he wrote this.
i

i am.....

i am
as the wind.
not one to follow,
but more to lead.
mingling and meddling.
blending the world's variations
by connecting the hidden similarities.
free. like the bird.
yet bound.
held to reality by responsibility.
lacking wind we'd have no storm.
with no storm we'd never realize the peace.


i am.
teal. with hues of grey.
the color of rain.
on a cool dark day.
nature is where i feel most at peace.
as the rain. i wash problems away.
yet sometimes i try too hard
as some are cleansed others are revealed.
there is never an end
when one tries to save it all.

well i saw waldo today.
grrah- that's how seeing him makes my brain feel.
oh me oh my.
on another note.
this life is so frustrating. the future is a simply terrifying place. humans have taken much more that our fair share of the world. and if we continue on at this ridiculous rate we'll destroy ourselves. we're like a contagious disease that must be contained. i wish i was more than just one person. like an army of peaceful-environmentalists out to save the world. that would be nice. but for now. these thoughts reel around in my brain as i plan how to fix the world as one and not an army.

i hate people. we are all so incredibly selfish. and stubborn. and short-sighted. fgfajhgm cnae.

life is so terribly short. this might sound silly but i honestly have to keep reminding myself that this really does all come to an end. that this really is my one shot to make an impact. life doesn't give us a polite chance to try again. its all or nothing while you're here. i don't understand life. it's like constant project. we build and grow and learn and develop and to what end? why are we alive. it's as though we have some great ambition of some award that we have yet to be informed of. i truly do not understand and this causes me great frustration.
if it turns out we are simply some amusement for some twisted higher being i will be severly annoyed.

blehh. i'm done ranting for now.
night.

its under construction...

cry-

the body seems to tighten and shudder as if from a sudden chill.
but there is a sense of total dispair.
breath becomes an unsteady and labored process.
pain too great to open your eyes.
as the stinging breaks behind closed eye lids,
tears fall.
slowly streaking down your face,
then more easily streaming as the pain begins to subside.

terrible frustration relieved so quickly
through an action that truly does not make sense.

except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars i'm fine

so for those of you who are in fact reading this. i should warn you...i have a slight obsession with lyrics, another warning my music is mostly indie rock alternative kind of stuff. so, anyway... perhaps i'll expand your musical collection.
work of art {backseat goodbye}
...and don't worry when they say you don't understand.
'cause they could never know how it felt.
the day you found love and lost it just as easily.
you were so young, but so untouchable.
'cause after that you never loved again no oh.
it was a waste of time, hearts are for pumping blood.

well. something seems to have changed. every time i hear a song i don't think about waldo first. i realize the artist's true meaning of the words, and the pain or happiness, or sentimentality of the words. then i think of waldo and wish he could read my thoughts. geez. i just found these lyrics today. and i love them. the rest of the song is much less emo-style but i like this part best. perhaps that makes me emo but, i'm okay with that.

on the phone with nichole last night was hillarious. shes insane. but what's mine is hers and hers mine. so she claims that her insanity proves my insanity as well. when i told her her insanity ranked with that of my cat, pocca, she felt honored, and when informed that pocca was upstairs cartoon-running on our wood floors and had just slid face first into a wall she replied, been there. done that... it's times like those that remind me why i love that goofnut so much. hopefully she comes to central next year.

well heres an old poem of mine re-worked. a little.

don't you see: you're limited.
everything you do is so full of good intentions.
i think you'd hold me back.
but, if you we're willing i could help to pull you along.
can't you see: i'm just wainting.
waiting till i'm old enough to get away.
away from everything that's holding me down.
this way of life is far too suffocating.
i'd like to help you live.
you're just so limited.

it's one of my current favorites. i hope you like it.

colors, colors everywhere.

well. today. true colors. this is an activity i have done before and the results were the same then as well...
i seem to fall into the blue category, with some green tendencies.
the blue description is authentic, harmonious, compassionate, unique, empathetic, communicative, devoted, warm, poetic, tender, inspirational, dramatic, vivacious, affectionate, and sympathetic. those are all very true to my personality. i often get labeled as a individual, which also often comes with the label of a little strange or weird (but quite honestly, my opinion of much of society is rather cynical, so that label doesn't bother me.) and much of that comes from growing up with my mom constantly encouraging me to do what i wanted, not what others wanted which has led me to this state of being unique, authentic, and idividualistic. this could also be attributed to growing up as an only child of a single mom, who herself is rather opinionated and individualistic. my family has a strong history in music and art. which has influenced me, and currently i am in the women's choir at central, as well as being involved in the performing arts. this has helped me in becoming more outgoing. which has allowed me to be much more confident in many aspects of my life down to silly thing like when i babysit, i am much more open to singing and dancing and being wacky with the little girls.
so...back to that list of descriptions. communicative was a word used. not to brag or sound boastful, but i don't have a problem speaking to many different people, kids, peers, as well as adults and the elderly. i think i can thank my mom for this abiltity, she often took me to adult groups and such so i became used to speaking with all people. i really hate writing like this where i keep going and another word from the list was "blehh" but, i shall forge ahead. Another description of blue people was poetic. once again that rings true. i have a habit of breaking out into random prose when writing for fun. so watch out!
well...i'm board with attempting to rationalize my true color and explain my wacky logic. so. au revoir.

new semester. new start?

well. new semester. first day. two new classes.
-5^th anatomy
-6^th creative writing (hence the new blog.)

oh me. oh my. what shall i do?
i have all these crazy ideas bouncing around in my head and i'm not really sure what to do with them other then hope they'll just fly away. i don't really know how to process them into words without rambling more than i already am so sleep seems like a good alternative. no thinking required.