you are my sundown

i'd like to be a little further west of here.
and a few thousand feet in the air.
let it enfold you.
the depth of this sundown.

i don't like what this is.
it's insane.
i hate the way my brain processes relationships.
this one is a bad idea.
we did try it once. it's a bad idea again.
i think i want it. but then i actually see him. it's like. umm no. bad idea.
and yet he's fascinating.
mhmm,

oh no.

i've always known
that actions speak louder than words.
but what do you do when words build walls
that actions can't penetrate.

this isn't how our "us" was meant to be.
when words say false hopes that emotions are gone
and actions say you want this to work
it hurts.

we used to have such great potential
and i still feel that pull
this gravity has been suffocating
every time i think i'm beyond you
the barrier falls
and your pull brings me back.

i hate the look in your eyes
when your words are a contradiction.

who am i? i don't even know.

i started thinking.

even if he isn't the perfect choice now.

who's to say anything about highschool matters in the future of my life at all.

i bet if i wanted to live in a hut on the side of a dirt road on an island off the Cote D'Ivore. he'd go with me.

he seems sincere.
but.
what i'd really like. is to put him on hold until after higschool. i just don't like the highschool drama thing.

and i don't know how much i can trust him.

i guess i have to try it to know. and stop wondering.

sandy feet.
sunglasses too big for any face.
loose dress.
and the clouds.
oh the clouds.
they pull me in.
into the depth of their beauty.
i am captivated
by their chemical composition.

just ask yourself

slipping through.
sinking in.
i drift into this current.
air flow patterns into waves through the sky
and i float like hands become airplanes in the wind.

the jetstream pulls me along.
and over fields i wander.
the beauty of the landscape nearly erases the memory of his face.

and these letters and symbols
are merely inadequate words
attempting to express the depth of thoughts in my mind.
this language fulfilled through chemicals and signals
could never be interpreted correctly.

it's a long way down when your hopes are high as mountains.

so i feel like they are spinning.
spinning.
my thoughts are spinning.
perhaps spiraling..?
..no. spinning...
it's kind of a back and forth motion. that becomes circular.
(1)there's him. but he's an idiot.
(2)and there's him, but he called things off.
and now the him 1. is single and the residue of ancient memories of feelings i might have once had toward him is making it's self know.
and the him 2. has a girl. and i don't know.
i want to be happy for him.
but i liked him better distrought and awkward.
no more of this happy shit.

sorry. both of the him's should really be more depressed.
mhmm.

oh well.
and then there's you.
you seem to have potential.
but your eyes say you have baggage.
i guess that's alright.
as long as there's not so much i have to help you carry it.
sorry.
i only carry my own crap.
but you seem sweet. i wish i knew your name though.
i've talked to you quite a few times now.
but have i asked your name?
nope.

LAME>

GRAAHHHHHHH.


that is all.

listening to:
modest mouse.
{ missed the boat}.
from the cd we were dead befpre the ship even sank.


thinking:
-i feel terribly anti-social today.
-and i've realized there are a lot of people that simply get on my nerves.
-there are quite a few people that i simply don't like.
for no particular reason. i just don't like them.
-i like modest mouse right now. that's something new.


wanting:
a family reunion.
without my mom complaining about the drive.
i want to se my uncle todd.
and my cousins. davis and mia.
and aunt tamera.
and uncle artie.

tired of:
drama.
i don't like where this is heading.
they have both gotten comfotable with me defending them.
but really, i have to agree with one more than the other.