the scale of pausedness

well. mrs e invented a new word today. [pausedness] this word comes with its own scale of levels of pause from no pause to a full stop { . ! ? } yeah. this class is very entertaining.

friday we're having a dr. suess birthday party.

today emmett decided i'm his coleslaw. i don't know what to say to that but, whatever. he calls me coleslaw. i think that is strange.

chicken-scratch

if i ignore the fact that we're over forever
then i'm fine

but if i think of how great we could have been
i'm nowhere close to alright.

but for now i'm relieved.
i'm glad to know what you're thinking.
i like this sense of release.

moment

there is this pain in my head
and it's hurting quite deeply
and there is a tightness in my throat
that keeps me from breathing
and there is this thought of you
that haunts my sleeping.
but i'm alright.

hold on to me.

oh god. i can't stop shaking.
i don't know what to do any more.
it's killing me to know that is all that is keeping you from me.

i have this jealousy of the world
it knows you so muce better that i do.
should i be angry or happy.
you were willing to try until you thought it over.
i guess i'm relieved to know you thought about trying.
but now what should i do.
i want you to know that this could work.
it could be wonderful.
but now you don't even want to try.

this week will feel like forever.
both dreading and awaiting the day i will see you again.
i won't know how to carry myself
and i'd like to ask you not to look me in the eyes.

too young {phoenix}

Can't you hear me calling
Everybody's dancing
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

stopping "we's" and starting "i's"

well a week ago yesterday i asked him if he had thought about trying again with us.
he said-honestly i don't know.

that's fine i'm not broken up over that. actually i feel fine about it for now. the best my mind has been in a while.

but i wanted so much for him to ask "why, have you?"
i would have said yes.
but he didn't ask.

and now i want so much to tell him i want to try again.
blehh. maybe we'll see.

under construction

i've begun to doubt this all.
i lack the [solid] faith i used to hold.
is this real or is it finally fading.
maybe what my voice says is wrong.
i feel like i'm lost when you're dissapointed

???????????//blah it's wierd

under construction

your lips run the risk of breaking me down tonight,
if your voice says those words i've been dreading.

Sonnet (A-B-A-B-C-D-C-D-E-F-E-F-G-G)

Your Eyes

The world these days has come to a poor place.
This blur of people, moving faster still.
My thoughts near drown in the noise from this pace.
Makes me more reserved in speech, does my will.
Your eyes express the great weight that you bare.
Though silent, your pain is so very clear.
Our lack of conversation does not share
your burden, though I’d like to help my dear.
Your eyes I know have held back crying,
you hide your emotions from near most all.
Now this life is far too suffocating.
To remain so private, you’re bound to fall.
I sincerely hope that you don’t forget
that my offer remains here for you yet.

contemplations.

i feel like falling down.
and i wish someone was here to catch me.
just a few days back i predicted this fallout.
today was so lovely.
then it just fell apart.
there's a storm sweeping through.
too soon for me to enjoy the day's sun.
a wave of doubts on all accounts.


i would like to just collapse
and lay here a while
you could come and sit with me.
but please stay silent
i need to think
and just to know
that you're thinking of me
could relieve some pressure.

lyricssss

fractions {emery}

i wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and i keep losing this fight

i won't answer
dancing on the starlight glow
no one in the city knows
confidence can take you
nerves try to shake you
from going all the way
it's not that far

it's good to see you
i missed you last night
that's such a lovely color
it goes with your eyes
before we fall asleep
just wanted to say
this all seems so easy
there's choices to make

we watch the tide roll in
with cold air and coffee cakes
holding our words at lips
stopping the sounds they make
we know the way to go
we know each step to take to be here

these words with no replies
stopping we's and starting i's
this need is killing me and taking me over
i wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and i keep losing this fight

best?friends

i want to get out.
out of this house
out of the cold.

you mean so much to me
but you're so young
but it's not really the age
it's almost a lack of maturity.
yet, you have grown from more hardship than most.
why do you seem so insensitive sometimes.
perhaps i grow to easily attached to ideas.
but this has become a regular problem.

update.

i haven't posted in awhile. i was kind of thrown off by those cold-days.
so my personality, has felt strange for a couple days now.
i feel really comfortable. with everything.
with him, with school. just yeah.
i'm stunned at how i feel about him.
it feels like something good is going to happen,
but at the same time if it doesn't i don't mind terribly. i know i'll be fine either way.

except for last night nic and i were on the phone and somehow religion and life and big-deep-scarey kind of conversation stuff. and i got really cynical and morbid and anti-religion and i felt really confused and disconnected from the world. i don't really know how to explain it.
i hate not knowing and having faith isn't really something that suits my personality.

faith-feyth- Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence

on a happier note,
one week from today i will be in New York City
with some of my closest friends from choir.
i am uber excited. expect a boat load of photos when i get back
and when i say a boat load i mean like a freighter.

also. my favorite girl's birthday is coming up after break and we're going to a concert on her birthday. i am so excited. it's her favorite band of all time and requires an almost roadtrip because it's in ohio. GAHHHH
breathe. calm down. holy shit i am so excited.
and why do people say holy shit??? there is nothing holy or sacred about feces.

whatever.

backseat goodbye

My dear I'm thinking you should give up this disaster
Draw lines that cross out perfect pairs
Sing songs that echo throught the stairs
I'm not one to say you're wearing thin
But love you're caveing, caveing in
Trap hearts in shallow sheltered sinks

lyrical notations

i love when you find a song that describes how you feel so perfectly

you've got two left feet
and a way with words
you're in love with the "spottless mind"
but the ending's no good

you've got an eye for luck
along with black and white photographs
not too fond of windy nights
but you could spend all day
laying in the grass
staring up toward the sky
hoping to skip with the sunset

you're such a sucker for a sad song
"summers always too long"
sitting in a swingset
trying just to sing along
with the song you've had stuck in your head
since this morning

holy jeebers. can't you just go away.

that's okay i don't really want you to go away.
i don't want you anywhere but here to be quite honest.

ncole has a sunburn in february. and i'm going to church soon to play with waldo.