let's tune out by turning on the radio

from the motion picture: what dreams may come

"sometimes when you win, you lose."

i know all too well what exactly that means. or atleast i feel as though i understand how that could apply to a time in my life about two years ago. this might sound pathetic to some of you but i'm okay with that. there was this guy. and i don't know what complelled me to turn him down, but i did. and somehow that felt like the right decision. i have this strange sense of a need for independence. to a point where i avoid realtionships, even push them away. sometimes i fight against them as if they might just kill me. and then i'm relieved for a while. until i realize he's not going to keep fighting back. and then i fall apart. that's how i felt. that i won, until i realized i had lost. perhaps that isn't the right interpretation of that quote so i'll try again.
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my mom had two brothers. both of which i love more than i can say. more than they know.
-todd is wonderful. he has always been the best male figure in my life. he has always supported me in everything i do and in everything i hope to do. and there was leif.
-leif. oh leif. i love him. he has many qualities that i hope to embody. he had a love of music that was constantly evident. and a love of his family. and a kindness about him. he past away when i was six. he had aids.
and he had won. by losing. when he was getting very sick he chose to not stay in the hospital. he came home. he had hospice care nurses who came to take care of him. ultimately he did pass away of aids. but, he had that time to be at home. in his own bed. with his partner and family with him without the stressful surroundings of a hospital.