blehh. maybe.

look in my eyes
see that i haven't been lying.
every time i attempt to see you,
it's not just some ploy
-some great scheme to hurt you again.

i'll spill my thoughts just one one more time.
to be quite honest it will mostly be to say i tried.
i can feel you leaving. (and i don't mean that in a morbid sorrow filled sense)
i've never felt quite so accepting of who we are.
i could force my tears and say how terrible my mental state is
but that would be far too extravagant.

in some strange, worn-out way
i'm glad to say i don't miss you.
memories are usually beautiful,
but not when they're filled with regrets.
i see you all the time. and you've been so pleasant recently
i see no use in bringing bitterness to us now.

i just said us.
that would be a nice thing to say and have it mean us.
i have imagined a future with you.
and dont you dare tell me i'm too young and don't know what i'm saying.
i know all too well what those words can mean.
though i'm content with this,
if you were to pursuade me to try again i'd have a hard time finding reason enough not to.
i've never wanted so little and yet so much from you at once.

ask me how i am.

well. due to a lack of effort on waldo's part, i've decided to stop. more appropriate wording would be that any attempts to interact in any way, other than as friends, with guys has been put on hiatus.
actually, there is one thing that is a condition to this statement. that, would be the fact that it does not come into effect until sunday. possibly earlier. following sunday i will most likely not see waldo for two, perhaps three weeks. thus the basis of the appeal of this plan.

in place of boys, i will be crocheting a shirt. i have great plans for this shirt. it shall be my new favorite shirt.

nonsense

i just realized my hands are shaking. i'm so terrified.
if i say what i'm thinking. i just might win you over.
i often think of how wonderful you are. and how much you laid on the line for me.
i'm not sure those words ever sank in.
until yesterday.
you are the scariest most perfect thing i've ever known.
i want you so much to just be there. but to not in the same instance.
they told me they've talked of us. and our potential.
you could be the missing link in everything i do.
i've never felt so completely taken aback before.
this makes me feel so terribly breakable.

vintage glass

beware my dear. for my love is toxic. hidden and fearful, but ever so strong.
but you're love is burning. it pulls at the strings of my puppet like state.
though i often long to hold you near. i barely resist hating you for the anxiety you have caused.
you have held me under. and i fear i may never breathe again.

getaway

i don't quite fit your expectations.
someday i'll leave this all behind for something better.
this way of life is far too suffocating for me and my big dreams.

ineloquence and anger are all we have.

how can you say i don't love you?
i am standing here aren't i?
-snow patrol

well the week is finally drawing to an end. but this weekend could be too much to process. i really don't think i'll have enough rest to get me through the next week. that is, however, all assuming thati do in fact have my coffee/talk meeting/date thing with waldo. if not then in monday, while i should be thouroughly rested my mind will be far to frustrated to think well. either way i don't see monday going well. blehh.
*
*
*
share with me the blankets you're wrapped in, cause it's cold outside.
share with me the secrets that you've kept in cause it's cold inside.
tell me what makes you think you're invincible.

{maria mena} sorry

so this song is one of those songs
that makes you almost cry.
that reminds you.

{Maria Mena} Sorry

Vage sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

some old-ish oness

over
the tape's run out on this bitter charade.
no need to pretend, i know what we've become.
rash conversations and decieving smiles.
i'll take what's left of my pride.
gather your stubborn arguments and go.
i'll remember our moonlight dance
and not forget you weak hellos and glad goodbyes.
*
*
*
crash
why won't you
come crash with me,
just let this end naturally.
i can't go on this way
so i'll spill my heart,
and then i'll leave.

just breathe

i have these words
just neatly set aside
waiting to be spoken
but you won't give me a chance to speak.
and i have this ache
it's that flutter in my chest
that makes breathing strange.
i know you don't mean harm
but that's already forgotten.
i just need to correct what i've done wrong.

so go ahead and hurt me,
if you'll feel better in the end.
as long as my breathing returns to normal,
and these words are let to do their healing.

limited.

don't you see: you're limited.
everything you do is so full of good intentions.
i think you'd hold me back.
but, if you we're willing i could help to pull you along.
can't you see: i'm just wainting.
waiting till i'm old enough to get away.
away from everything that's holding me down.
this way of life is far too suffocating.
i'd like to help you live.
you're just so limited

{let's analyze} analysis is under construction

To Thyrza: And Thou Art Dead
by Lord George Gordon Byron

And thou art dead, as young and fair
As aught of mortal birth;
And form so soft and charm so rare
Too soon returned to Earth!
Though Earth received them in her bed,
And o'er the spot the crowd may tread
In carelessness or mirth,
There is an eye which could not brook
A moment on that grave to look.

I will not ask where thou liest low,
Nor gaze upon the spot;
There flowers or weeds at will may grow,
So I behold them not:
It is enough for me to prove
That what I loved, and long must love,
Like common earth can rot;
To me there needs no stone to tell
'Tis Nothing that I loved so well.

Yet did I love thee to the last
As fervently as thou,
Who didst not change through all the past,
And canst not alter now.
The love where Death has set his seal
Nor age can chill, nor rival steal,
Nor falsehood disavow:
And, what were worse, thou canst not see
Or wrong or change or fault in me.

The better days of life were ours;
The worst can be but mine:
The sun that cheers, the storm that lours,
Shall never more be thine.
The silence of that dreamless sleep
I envy now too much to weep;
Nor need I to repine
That all those charms have passed away
I might have watched through long decay.

The flower in ripened bloom unmatched
Must fall the earliest prey;
Though by no hand untimely snatched,
The leaves must drop away:
And yet it were a greater grief
To watct it withering, leaf by leaf,
Than see it plucked today;
Since earthly eye but ill can bear
To trace the change to foul from fair.

I know not if I could have borne
To see thy beauties fade;
The night that followed such a morn
Had worn a deeper shade:
Thy day without a cloud hath past,
And thou wert lovely to the last -
Extinguished, not decayed,
As stars that shoot along the sky
Shine brightest as they fall from high.

As once I wept, if I could weep,
My tears might well be shed
To think I was not near to keep
One vigil o'er thy bed:
To gaze, how fondly! on thy face,
To fold thee in a faint embrace,
Uphold thy drooping head,
And show that love, however vain,
Nor thou nor I can feel again.
Yet how much less it were to gain,

Though thou hast left me free,
The loveliest things that still remain
Than thus remember thee!
The all of thine that cannot die
Through dark and dread
Eternity Returns again to me,
And more thy buried love endears
Than aught, except its living years.


----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------

i love this poem.
i came across it last year.
and fell in love when i read the lines
-"stars that shoot along the sky
Shine brightest as they fall from high"
then in reading the rest of the poem
it was so sweet and it seemed as though
he were truly in love when he wrote this.
i

i am.....

i am
as the wind.
not one to follow,
but more to lead.
mingling and meddling.
blending the world's variations
by connecting the hidden similarities.
free. like the bird.
yet bound.
held to reality by responsibility.
lacking wind we'd have no storm.
with no storm we'd never realize the peace.


i am.
teal. with hues of grey.
the color of rain.
on a cool dark day.
nature is where i feel most at peace.
as the rain. i wash problems away.
yet sometimes i try too hard
as some are cleansed others are revealed.
there is never an end
when one tries to save it all.

well i saw waldo today.
grrah- that's how seeing him makes my brain feel.
oh me oh my.
on another note.
this life is so frustrating. the future is a simply terrifying place. humans have taken much more that our fair share of the world. and if we continue on at this ridiculous rate we'll destroy ourselves. we're like a contagious disease that must be contained. i wish i was more than just one person. like an army of peaceful-environmentalists out to save the world. that would be nice. but for now. these thoughts reel around in my brain as i plan how to fix the world as one and not an army.

i hate people. we are all so incredibly selfish. and stubborn. and short-sighted. fgfajhgm cnae.

life is so terribly short. this might sound silly but i honestly have to keep reminding myself that this really does all come to an end. that this really is my one shot to make an impact. life doesn't give us a polite chance to try again. its all or nothing while you're here. i don't understand life. it's like constant project. we build and grow and learn and develop and to what end? why are we alive. it's as though we have some great ambition of some award that we have yet to be informed of. i truly do not understand and this causes me great frustration.
if it turns out we are simply some amusement for some twisted higher being i will be severly annoyed.

blehh. i'm done ranting for now.
night.

its under construction...

cry-

the body seems to tighten and shudder as if from a sudden chill.
but there is a sense of total dispair.
breath becomes an unsteady and labored process.
pain too great to open your eyes.
as the stinging breaks behind closed eye lids,
tears fall.
slowly streaking down your face,
then more easily streaming as the pain begins to subside.

terrible frustration relieved so quickly
through an action that truly does not make sense.

except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars i'm fine

so for those of you who are in fact reading this. i should warn you...i have a slight obsession with lyrics, another warning my music is mostly indie rock alternative kind of stuff. so, anyway... perhaps i'll expand your musical collection.
work of art {backseat goodbye}
...and don't worry when they say you don't understand.
'cause they could never know how it felt.
the day you found love and lost it just as easily.
you were so young, but so untouchable.
'cause after that you never loved again no oh.
it was a waste of time, hearts are for pumping blood.

well. something seems to have changed. every time i hear a song i don't think about waldo first. i realize the artist's true meaning of the words, and the pain or happiness, or sentimentality of the words. then i think of waldo and wish he could read my thoughts. geez. i just found these lyrics today. and i love them. the rest of the song is much less emo-style but i like this part best. perhaps that makes me emo but, i'm okay with that.

on the phone with nichole last night was hillarious. shes insane. but what's mine is hers and hers mine. so she claims that her insanity proves my insanity as well. when i told her her insanity ranked with that of my cat, pocca, she felt honored, and when informed that pocca was upstairs cartoon-running on our wood floors and had just slid face first into a wall she replied, been there. done that... it's times like those that remind me why i love that goofnut so much. hopefully she comes to central next year.

well heres an old poem of mine re-worked. a little.

don't you see: you're limited.
everything you do is so full of good intentions.
i think you'd hold me back.
but, if you we're willing i could help to pull you along.
can't you see: i'm just wainting.
waiting till i'm old enough to get away.
away from everything that's holding me down.
this way of life is far too suffocating.
i'd like to help you live.
you're just so limited.

it's one of my current favorites. i hope you like it.

colors, colors everywhere.

well. today. true colors. this is an activity i have done before and the results were the same then as well...
i seem to fall into the blue category, with some green tendencies.
the blue description is authentic, harmonious, compassionate, unique, empathetic, communicative, devoted, warm, poetic, tender, inspirational, dramatic, vivacious, affectionate, and sympathetic. those are all very true to my personality. i often get labeled as a individual, which also often comes with the label of a little strange or weird (but quite honestly, my opinion of much of society is rather cynical, so that label doesn't bother me.) and much of that comes from growing up with my mom constantly encouraging me to do what i wanted, not what others wanted which has led me to this state of being unique, authentic, and idividualistic. this could also be attributed to growing up as an only child of a single mom, who herself is rather opinionated and individualistic. my family has a strong history in music and art. which has influenced me, and currently i am in the women's choir at central, as well as being involved in the performing arts. this has helped me in becoming more outgoing. which has allowed me to be much more confident in many aspects of my life down to silly thing like when i babysit, i am much more open to singing and dancing and being wacky with the little girls.
so...back to that list of descriptions. communicative was a word used. not to brag or sound boastful, but i don't have a problem speaking to many different people, kids, peers, as well as adults and the elderly. i think i can thank my mom for this abiltity, she often took me to adult groups and such so i became used to speaking with all people. i really hate writing like this where i keep going and another word from the list was "blehh" but, i shall forge ahead. Another description of blue people was poetic. once again that rings true. i have a habit of breaking out into random prose when writing for fun. so watch out!
well...i'm board with attempting to rationalize my true color and explain my wacky logic. so. au revoir.

new semester. new start?

well. new semester. first day. two new classes.
-5^th anatomy
-6^th creative writing (hence the new blog.)

oh me. oh my. what shall i do?
i have all these crazy ideas bouncing around in my head and i'm not really sure what to do with them other then hope they'll just fly away. i don't really know how to process them into words without rambling more than i already am so sleep seems like a good alternative. no thinking required.